um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
