I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance