you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
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i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
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All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.