Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
