Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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