i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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