dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
