im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
