why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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