I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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