Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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