i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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