Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
