You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
