I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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