I want to make a zoo with you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
