Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
