apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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