I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I got inside last night via doggy door
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
