We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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