i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
