im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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