im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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