Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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