One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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