Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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