I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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