Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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