Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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