On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
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