His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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