Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
