You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
