I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
50% drunk capacity currently
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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