I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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