one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
