I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
