Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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