Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
