dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I love you. Go after that dick
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize