dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize