FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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