I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
