she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
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I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
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I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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