Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
