All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
