She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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