She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You made out with two different species that night
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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