how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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