YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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