I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
