why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
