She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
