I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
